Back in the Great White North!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BFPt001PYU

Well, I finally did it.  I handed in my notice, packed up all of my belongings and said so long to my life in Korea.  The decision was really based on two things; wanting to work in my field and realizing that the buck was up for teachers in Korea. 
First, was the fact that I was accepted into the 'Museum and Gallery Studies' program at Georgian College in Barrie, Ontario.  This was my out.  I could use my pension to pay for my tuition and live rent free with my parents (who also live in Barrie) for the duration of the program.  The hope in doing the certification being to make contacts and hopefully find a related job in Canada.
When faced with the prospect of leaving full-time employment and moving back in with your parents after more than 10 years of having been away, it's always preferable to have a plan.  My plan was to go back to school, live a relatively comfortable life and find work as an art educator, or curator, or education director or conservationist etc... in Canada. 
I've put this plan into motion by accepting my offer of admission, quitting my job in Korea and moving back in with my parents in a house just up the street from the one I grew up in.  The fact that I will be out of the house, working part-time and hopefully have an extensive social network at school is the only way that I could have faced such a prospect.  While it's not ideal and will probably be a whole lot of hard work, I thought that it was preferable to staying in a job and country that I didn't love in a job that has been earmarked to be cut anyway. 

 

Which brings me to the second reason that I chose to leave Korean now after 5 years; the buck is up.  The move towards reducing the number of foreign teachers coming to Korea has been happening for several years.  In fact, the teaching bubble burst the very year that I first came to Korea.  They unceremoniously cut 1/4 of the teachers who had already been hired during the last week of summer only days before we were due to fly out in 2009 and thankfully I wasn't one of them (having already given up my lease, my job and sold all my belongings). 

The trend has continued every year, cutting funding, benefits and reducing the numbers of teachers in high schools and middle schools to nearly zilch.  Only rich areas and school who can afford to privately fund English teachers have remained while the unregulated private sector and Hagwons have used this to their advantage. 

I was the last major hire made by my university and each semester since, I've seen our wages frozen, our benefits and sick days retracted and the services that they give us also decreased.  All this was done while increasing our work hours (less class hours but more mandatory unpaid committees and office hours) and the percentage on student evaluations was raised by more than 10% to give us a rather steep incentive for keeping our jobs.  This environment of fear and pitting us directly against our colleagues has done nothing to raise staff morale.  Everyone is focused on keeping their job and getting ahead of that bottom 20% cut off. 

It was largely for these reasons that I was so willing to not re-sign my contract.  I haven't had a pay raise in 5 years basically.  I got really great vacations, but is a job really worth staying in because you can then go and live your life the way you want to on your vacations?  I'd rather be doing something that inspires me every day and not feel the need to escape for 1/3 of the year. 

 



So with those thoughts in mind, I said goodbye to my best friends, ate a last meal of spicy pork and drank to a fresh start.  While leaving my friends behind was probably the hardest part of leaving, it was the right choice, because I know that eventually we'll meet again.  I will get on a plane to Chicago or Ireland as well as other places and visit those who have been my family while I've lived so far away from my own.  I won't regret one moment of my time in Korea (although I wish parts of it had been easier and happier).  My experience has made me a stronger and more independent person.  It has given me more respect for immigrants and a deeper understanding of just how vast and different this planet is.  I will miss the hustle and bustle, the public transportations and the cheap fast service, but I'm in all honesty, ready to go home.
 

I have looked out of my windows and seen mountains and tall buildings for so long, that now, after returning to the flat, large, quiet landscape of Canada, it seems more like a dream than a reality.  I'll have my memories of life in the land of kimchi and k-pop forever, and although a lot of them reflect difficult life experiences, they were all worth having. 

It's pretty good to be home eh?

Why leave when staying is by far the easier choice?

My mother says that she has measured my assimilation into Korean culture by virtue of my stress and anxiety levels in relation to the culture and the environment around me.  Via our weekly Skype visits, she has seen me freak out and suffer from the obvious evils of massive culture shock progressively less and less.  She actually made an interesting comment recently along the lines of:

 

"We don't worry about you as much these days because you hardly ever complain about the culture or problems at work."

 

I suppose that I should take that as a compliment.  I unlike so many foreign teachers that come to Korea, have found a way to stick it out and move past the frustration, sorrow and anger that come with culture shock.  I have somehow managed to absorb and come to terms with what it means to be an expat living in the land of kimchi.  It's been so hard to just accept and go with the flow; to put aside all of standards and norms that you've been brought up to think of as right and acceptable.

 

You never stop noticing all of the little differences, but they do become dulled somewhat.  It all becomes normal and routine after a while and that, my friends, is the secret to longevity in a foreign country.  Stick it out until shit just doesn't seem as weird, strange and awful anymore!

 



So why, after all this pain and effort would I decide to go after having stuck it out for so long and finally found a good place mentally, physically and spiritually here?  That's a good question and it has several answers. 

First of all, I never intended to be in Korea for more than a year or two and it has nearly been FIVE whole years since I first stepped off the plane and into the harmonious chaos of this country. 

Second, while I have appreciated developing a stronger understanding of the ins and outs of the language, customs and culture of Korea, I have come to a realization that it is just not a country and culture that I will ever really gel with.  I am too outspoken, feminist and appreciative of (or sensitive to) the finer aesthetics of my surrounding environment to ever feel comfortable and appreciated as a person in Korea.  Korean culture can be meticulous and beautiful as well as friendly and generous, but my daily reality here has generally not reflected that and I am tired of being censured for the person that I am physically, mentally, politically and spiritually.

Third, hurray for me; I have finally finished paying off all of my debt-load for my undergrad and my graduate loans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That was goal primo-uno in coming and staying and now that it is done, the net has somehow been released... 

The draw of a full-time job seems like less of a draw and more of an anchor.  While I am super appreciative for having had the chance to work full time, pay off my debt and have a incredible cultural experience, it is not the job I envisaged myself doing in my 30s and I have somehow reached that invisible barrier among expats between staying and going. 

Do I stay in a comfortable, and by no-means un-important or impressive full-time job, or do I take a leap of faith and try to build up a new career for myself in the actual field in which I studied?  It is a dilemma that a lot of people my age are facing right now with such a competitive and declining market.

Fourth, I seem to have climbed the social and job market as high as I can with the visa status and language proficiency that I now hold.  There is a point when you have to either get in or get out.  If I wanted to consider immigrating to Korea or staying here long-term I would have to get in, IN A BIG WAY, and I had to remind myself that that was never my intention in coming here in the first place...

A career should not just be a paycheck.  A career should be something that you are passionate about and enjoy doing every day.  Something which celebrates and utilizes your skills and motivates you to push harder and be better.  That is what I want to strive for and unfortunately, I haven't found that drive here; although I sure have given it a mighty try.

Fifth, it seems kind of cheesy, but I want to find love and as far as I can tell or have experienced, Korea is NOT where I am going to meet the man of my dreams...  I am an outspoken, smart, curvy woman in her late 20s looking for a partner not a random shack up.... it has been challenging.  As much as I love my friends and have developed amazing friendships here, friends will not be there to kiss and cuddle when you wake up (or at least not the friends I have.... although they might be up for cuddles if I asked them nicely).  Yes, friends are incredibly important, but they can not replace a real loving relationship; at least not completely. 

In my experience, dating in Korea has been like dating in high-school.  You can have chemistry, you can date casually, but most guys just want to have fun and are not looking for commitment.... unless they came here with their wives or long-term girlfriends (like most of my good friends actually). 

The exception seems to be western men marrying Korean woman.  I know it sounds like a terrible generalization, but I can count on one hand the number of foreign women that I've know in successful relationships and marriages with Korean men here over the past 5 years and most of those men have lived abroad.  Everyone's lives are so impermanent.  Everyone comes from somewhere else.  Everyone is looking for adventure.  Most people are NOT looking for anything more than casual and I've never been good at casual.  Why settle?  It's never the right choice.  That being said, I would not say it were impossible, just improbable...

Finally, not to notch it up on the sentimental scale, but it is hard living on the other side of the planet from family.  Skype is wonderful and has gone a long way to alleviating homesickness and resolving communication issues with family and friend from back home, but it's just not the same.  I would like to be able to go home for holidays and birthdays and have a more meaningful relationship with my family while I can. 

It's kind of funny but I could live anywhere on the planet practically and still be closer to home than I am now.  While I predict that it will be tough not to have all of the benefits that a full-time job, major unban jungle and huge population offer; like public transportation, cheep food and utilities and a nightlife that never stops.... somehow the draw of fresh un-polluted air, wide open skies and backyard bonfires with family and a good micro-brew sound like a good trade off...  That and shoes that fit. 

Stay or go?  Stay or go?  It's the refrain that has been singing in my mind for some time.  Staying would be a whole lot easier, but I think that I have finally decided to take the great leap of faith and go.

A work in progress

My mother has always had a theory about me.  She has said that when I am stressed out or depressed I tend to be a lot more communicative and call and write a lot more often.  In contrast, when I have been in a balanced and happy place in my life, she claims that I make a lot less effort to get in touch.  "If we haven't heard from you in a while we know that things must be going well for you."  In light of this theory, I guess you could say that my life in Korea has hit it's stride in a way that I hadn't anticipated (especially given the hard times that I had here last year after my breakup).  

 



 

 My return to Seoul this Fall after two months back in Canada has been relatively easy in many unanticipated ways.  My life abroad has been a constant work in progress; working on overcoming culture shock, learning to deal with full time employment, starting over and making a new social network... etc.  Every day I find new things that challenge me and new things to overcome and yet, this past two months has had me feeling downright at home in this strange country and the lack of obstacles is leaving me off balance and anticipating some sort of backlash at any moment.

I think my attitude has undergone such a positive shift for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I have realized that life back in Canada would neither be an easy nor a fruitful transition.  Moving back home (even as a visitor), was rough!  I suddenly missed my easy access to public transportation as well as a large group of friends on call and an endless number of events, museums and cultural sites to visit and be a part of.  I have enjoyed being a tourist.  I have enjoyed living in the middle of a huge bustling metropolis and I have certainly come to expect a healthy pay-check in my bank account every month.  It's not to say that I couldn't find all of these things back in Canada, it's more that I don't know if I am ready to give up what I have right now and start all over again quite yet.

Secondly, I have finally after two years, really gotten a handle on my job and this more than anything has really reduced the level of stress in my life.  It has left a lot more room and energy for other things in my life.  In some ways I have climbed that uphill battle bitching and screaming along the way when it became too difficult and incredibly painful in order to come out on the other side stronger for the traumas that I have endured along the way.  Now I am just cruising downhill with my rucksack loaded with cultural knowledge and feeling a lot lighter for it.

I think I have gained a point of view that has allowed me to participate while knowing full-well that I will never commit and join the game fully.  I have found a place in this strange half world of an ex-pat existence.  A world in which you live, work and participate in a culture and society without having to really join in and follow all of the rules of this culture because you know that you will never really belong here and will not be immigrating to this country in the long run.  This is one of the curses and blessings of my situation here.  There is a magical line which if you persist long enough, the weird, strange and annoying becomes normal and easy to ignore.  You don't sweat the small stuff anymore and you instead focus on enjoying all of the good things that are available to you in your situation.

 



I think it's important however, to remember that you don't get to this point instantly.  I recognize this quality in myself not just in my persistence in sticking it out in Korea, but as a general attitude which I try to carry around in my daily life and existence.  My stubbornness in not giving in when things are tough and not fun in the hope that eventually, they will work out has been a defining characteristic in my adult life.  In many ways, it has added a tremendous amount of stress to my life that maybe others would have turned away from.  And although I'm not saying that it was always the right decision, I think the results have proven that greater the struggle, the greater the rewards in the end.

My hope for this next year in Korea is that I find a way to enjoy the rewards that this country, city and job have to offer to me.  It can be difficult to always look around and find things to be thankful for, but a degree of positivity and hopefulness in your every day can go a long way to making your life feel more accomplished and the troubles you have overcome, feel worthwhile.

Let's play catch up

So I think it's clear to say that I have been a fairly crappy blogger over the past several months in that I have not written anything at all in that time.  Now don't get me wrong, I've thought about it often but just never seemed to be able to make myself sit down, upload some photos and reflect on my life.  I guess you could say that I was not in a very reflective space last Spring and spent most of my time, energy and focus on my job and friends.  All other forms of energy use (such as blogging) were put aside for a while.  Below is a slideshow of my Spring and Summer in Seoul and home in Canada. 

 

 

 It's the Rock Do after party!  With: Chris, Dara, Jesse, Magali and myself

 The international street festival near the City Hall and Gwangwamun stations

 Making a painting for the charity art auction held by the Seoul Players 'Wizard of Oz' production

 Celebrating the end of term and Daras' um 28th (*wink wink) birthday

The HBC music festival is always a good time and when you are out with good friends it's even better

                                                                          Game night! 

                                                 Mugging for the camera.  Muah!

 My entry for the I.A.C. summer group exhibition: 'Urban Heat' at the Golmok Gallery in July.

 Me and my baby brother who is not so much of a baby anymore!  He has a beard.  A BEARD!!!

 My cousin Kelly was married this summer, all three sisters now have a ring on their finger!

 What is summer in Ontario without the beach and seagulls I ask you?  No summer at all.

 Fields, sunsets, barns... welcome to the Ontario countryside in summer time

 The quintessential cottage picture.  Dock, canoe, sun chair, beautiful lake... amazing!

                                                     OSHEAGA!!!!!  Enough said!

                           The beautiful Sarah on her way to become a public administrator in Ottawa

The Saint Elizabeth pub with Ilja and Matt (and Christina and Noah on the other side of the table)


So there you go.  That was a snapshot of the last several months of my life in brief.  It's been pretty ok!

'Permission to Play', a solo painting exhibition by Alexandra Beneteau, March 20~April 1, 2013

It's now been a couple of weeks since I took down my exhibition from Gallery-i in the Insa-dong area of Seoul.  After all that effort and work, the duration of the show seemed to fly by and since then, I have been too occupied with school to really take stock of everything that happened. 

While I am very happy to have had the opportunity to exhibit my work in a gallery space in Seoul, the experience has given me a real hard confronting look at the stark realities of being a professional artist, and while I loved having the time to work and the resulting consequence of having a new body of work to draw from, I can't help but feel that the entire shabang is a whole lot of effort for a dang little amount of direct pay off.

With no works sold, it is certainly a good thing that I have a good job and can spend this money freely without consequence of going into debt. however, making art is an expensive pass-time and the realities of the costs (not to mention the ammount of time, energy and drive that goes into pulling off a solo show) I don't know if I will be having another one in the near future.  When it comes down to it, I think that most people have this very mysterious notion of making art, like somehow the artist just waves a magic wand and a tableau is produced...  the reality however, is serious long hours of hard work and a whole lot of time, planing and focus.  There is no magic, just hard work.

In retrospect, I think one of the hardest parts of being an artist and doing something like a solo-show is knowing how much YOU have put into it and then automatically feeling the need to have that time and energy justified by how others respond to your work.  It's nice to hear that people enjoy it, but far more frustrating is when people simply don't show up to give you their opinions at all!!  I strangely enough really sympathized with my mom on this one:  you put in all this work as a mom that people just take for granted (it's what moms do right?!)  In the end, you just have to think, I've done it, I enjoyed the process of developing my skills as an artist.  I put myself out there and my work out to the public.  The responses I did get were mostly all very positive and encouraging.  Most of all, the majority of those that didn't come didn't come not because they had anything against you and your work, but rather because well... people are just really involved in their own lives.

If I think about it, I have RSVP'd to sooooooooooo many events that I didn't end up going to, either because I just didn;t feel like going out, or other events came up.  People are selfish (including myself) with their free time and I can understand that, it's just one of those that feels a whole lot different on the other side of the equation!  For future reference, I will never ever ever rsvp that I am attending a show or exhibition again unless I know for 100% certainty that I will be going.  On the upside, I got to see for myself who my biggest fans and supporters are and to those individuals I have to say a HUGEEEE THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! 

To EVERYONE who made it out to the event, thank you so so so so so so much for your support!!!!  I really really appreciated it and I was very happy to share my experience with you!  For those who meant to come and just didn't find the time, thanks for the well wishes and positive thoughts and comments that you have paid me since. 

As an artist, you always want people to respond to your work in a positive way and I have to be really happy, that my concepts really came accross strongly in the process of the show.  Most people who came while I was at the gallery were really positive about the works and had lots of nice things to say.  I was especially touched by a couple of individuals who had seen the even advertised online and who had come into town especially to see the show!!  That felt pretty freeking good!! 

It's clear to me, in retrospect, that while it may be difficult to get people out to see the work, it's still worth all the time, energy and effort that goes into the organization, the construction and the production of the show, because in reality, we make art ultimately for ourselves, for our own developemtn and for the pure joy that comes with making art.  If others respond positively TO your work and take the time out of their busy lives to come and see it, then you should be overjoyed and grateful... and if they don't try not to take it personally.  THAT is in fact the greatest struggle for most artists.  Everyone wants to be celebrated and have their efforts rewarded.  I think that's just basic human nature.  If you can get past that and just take the whole thing as a dang good learning experience, then you're certainly on the right track.

I think the point was just TO DO IT!!!  This whole experience came at a time in my life where I needed a positive focus and an experience to remind me of what really drives me and pushes me forward as an individual.  Done and done!  Now onto the next one!

February; making art and trying not to kill myself over Valentines day

 If nothing else, this month has confirmed my sispicion that I am very much a home body.  A view outside from my cozy 12th floor appartment has on many days been the closes that I have come from actually getting outdoors.  Appart from my bi-weekly walks to the market street near campus to buy groceries, I have spent the makority of my time between my living space and my makeshift studio.  While some might have the tendency to get cabin fever with such a limited scope of surroundings, I on the other hand find it hard to get out!

 Generally, most days after getting up somewhere between the hours of 10 am and noon, I make the arduous treck down the hallway to the study room where I have set up my easel and my gorilla style studio.  So far, no one has said anything or touched anything and since I can absolutely NOT be painting with oils in my tiny living space, it has been a real time and life-saver.  Anyone who has set themselves the task of producing a large body of work in a short ammount of time, will understand the necessity of having a conveniently located workspace.

 In many ways, it has been like getting back into shape.  Your body, while retaining a good muscle memory will feel tired and out of breath after 10 minutes.  You'll be limping and wheezing your way home after your workout wondering how you ever let yourself get into such bad shape.  Time is such a crock.  Thankfully however, persistance like in most situations pays off and little by little you can feel your eye improving, your mixing coming more easily and your results speaking for themselves.  With all this available time however, I have gotten off track and I now find myself staring down the end of my holidays directly in the face. 
Although the show is still more than a month away, I unfortunately do NOT have amonth to produce the rest of the work as I will need to have a show poster and pamphlet designed and distributed before the date of the show.  This being the case, I will be spending the next couple of weeks in an outright sprint to the finish, trying to get my works finished in time to photograph, title and get them off to the graphic designer in time.  Then I can go back and rework them.  For now however, the last week and a half of my vacation will be more like crunch time at the end of term before final critique when you have multiple artists sleeping on the couches and eating only at the cafe in the painting department.  Thankfully, my bed is a lot closer than when I was a student.

 While February has been a fairly reclusive month in my books, I have been out to some really great concerts and exhibitions recently.  Last week I made it out to see "The Japandroids" in concert at V0Hall in Hongdae.  I have to hand it to Super Color Super, it was a GREAT show.  I headbanged my head into severe soreness and felt more at home than I had in months!!  It was enough to make me homesick and cure it at the same time!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXlJSd3Qdp8
I also made it out to the rather fantastic French dinner with my friend Danielle and a great exhibition "Secret of the City" featuring performance and video art at the Golmok Gallery in Itaewon. 

While I was more than slightly bummed out not to be in Cebu celebrating a romantic Valentines day, I was happy to have been with friends.  The first V day after a breakup is always HELL and when you had plans that were canceled it is even worse, but hey, there's always next year and you never know?  next year I could be in another stellar relationship, making art, hanging out with good people and enjoying the benefits of a great job with good pay and very decent vacation.  You never know?  The worl is full of so many possibilities.  It's just a matter of remaining open to them.

Recalibration on an noteworthy staycation

Let's face it: breakups are hard.  They suck!  They really really suck a lot.  And finding your stride as a newly reinstated 'singleton' after a breakup can seem like an insurmountable tasks at first.  A lot has been written, filmed, directed, painted and sung over the years about the heartbreak of breaking things off with someone you love.  Unfortunately for me, it's because most of those unbridaled negative emotions are true.  The upside in this situation are that my feelings are certainly not unique.   It seems to me that as often as people have made art to express the joys of love, they have made an  equal amount to express the pain and sufffering of heartbreak.   While I do not feel the need to express my sadness through my art, I have put a lot of energy into reinvesting, time and energy into the things that make me a unique and happy as a person.  January has nearly gone and although my goals for the New Year are still a bit fuzy around the edges, they are there and now it's up to me to carry them out.

Live music as I have stated before is one of those things that gets to me and inspires me unlike almost anything else on this planet.  I went to a pretty good concert a couple of weeks ago promoted by the Indie Kings of Seoul 'Super Color Super'.  They had invited the group 'Lymbyc System' to play a series of small gigs across Korea.  The small venue in Hongdae 'Salon badabie' was cramped as could be and filled with eager music viewers.  The opening bands were really good and the show (although slightly short) was entertaining and had a good vibe.  I really admire what S.C.S. is doing by trying to bring the kinds of bands and music scene to Korea which is desperately missing and mostly unavailable in the overtly K-Pop saturated music industry.  I'm excited for their winter lineup and upcoming shows like the Japandroids.  http://supercolorsuper.com/

Having lost rather a large chunk of my social network (not being brave enough to go out and party in Incheon lest I possibly run into Ryno), I have found getting out and being social a bit of a challenge recently.  I would not say that my confidence is at it's peak and that can come across to others as being cold or withdrawn; which makes going out and being open, friendly and sociable almost impossible.  Thankfully, I have had the support of a couple of great people in the last while and I can only hope that in time, I will be ready to get out there and be adventurous again.  For the time being however, I am content spending most of my days with my books, my music and my canvases! 

In an attempt to distract myself from moping and rather give myself a reason to celebrate and push my career and confidence forward, I have given myself the challenge of creating a professional Gallery exhibition over my winter break.  After presenting my portfolio to a gallery director at the beginning of the month, I was booked for a solo painting exhibition at the I-Gallery in the Insa-dong neighbourhood of Seoul, set for the end of March 2013!!  iGallery, Insadong
아이갤러리, 인사동 

Here is one of the first canvases from the series.  The tentative title so far is "Permission to Play'.  I was inspired when I went to Anseong and saw Nicola and Jaco building their snowman for the first time and having fun in the process of playing in the snow.  It was such a strange sight to see adults slipping into what we would consider a childs' role.  When we encounter or experience something for the fisrt time, there is an innocence as well as a determination in the act that can't be faked or reproduced.  So if I can capture that juxtaposition of roles and that universal quality of exploration and play then I will have done a good job.

Therefore, I have been spending a great deal of my time in the last several weeks negotiating the old and new.  Painting is something that I have done a lot in the past, but very little in Korea.  I have also not had a studio level of production since the last year of my undergrad degree over 6 years ago!!  All this has combined to make this past month a strange combination of the familiar and new. 

While I am sad in a way not to be going off to some exotic location on a romantic vacation with my lover (now my ex-lover), a part of me embraces that it is this pain and unrest that has driven me to throw myself head first into my work again seriously for the first time since moving to Korea.  The outcome will hopefully reflect all the work that has gone into the project so far and all the hours of work that are yet to come.  After all, I am still young and there will be other romantic vacations in far off and exotic destinations.  For now, I will have to content myself with dreaming them up and watching shows about other people traveling. 

PS.  If you like food and finding out about new and interesting cultures, you should really check out the show "No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain".  they are really great!  http://www.travelchannel.com/tv-shows/anthony-bourdain  That is all for now folks. 

                                                                    A tout a l'heure!