Sometimes the pathway that we are on in our lives must and do take a detour. A bend in the road, so to say. A change in direction. Sometimes it is greater and more significant than at others. Sometimes it is a noticeable change of course and at others it can be a gradual sweeping bend. But if there is one thing that is for sure, it is that this change, this bend is unavoidable. Life is constantly changing, and sometimes it is wise to sit up and take notice of which way it is heading. You may have to take the wheel and consciously steer it in the right direction.
Sometimes I feel as though my life is a wandering lazy road here in Korea. That I have no destination nor any sort of road map to get me to where I don't know I am going.... Sometimes this is a very liberating feeling, but at other times, it can feel uneasy and frightening. My life has been gradually turning a corner this year. I feel that there is another major bend in the road coming soon.
Life can feel like a giant boad game sometimes with you on one team and fate/ God/ the Universe on the other team. Who will win? Is it a team game? Where is the darn rule book? How do you get ahead and win in the game of life? I guess it depends on what you consider winning or losing.
I don't think that life is purely chance. I think everything is cause and effect. I think every decision we make whether conscious or unconscious creates our destiny or how we live our life, if you will. And sometimes believing that you make your fate by your decisions puts a great deal of weight and pressure on your shoulders. I guess ideally, you just wouldn't think about it too much but rather, just to try and follow your heart and make positive decisions in your life without the fear of somehow losing the game.
Now why all the philosophy you ask? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have been applying for new jobs the past month. I am most of the way through my second contract with Seoul Metropolitain and i feel as though it is high time for a change. So I have been applying for university teaching jobs instead. While I have concentrated on other teaching jobs within Korea, I have also begun to look outside of the country. While this is all mainly positive, what isn't is the fact that i have had no interview of job offers thus far, and as discussed above, time does NOT stand still and I have to find something sooner rather than later. I have been thinking about my options if I don't find a new position before the summer. I am better off than a lot of 26 year olds these days. I have full time contracted employment with a government agency in a relative field of employment. I am gaining valuable teaching experience, life experience and most importantly paying down my student loans in the process. Why screw with that right? Why shouldn't I stay for a third contract which will not only offer me a pay raise but a fairly stress free existance as I repeat the same routine with no real responsibilities for a third year?.... Well, because I feel as though I am not really moving forward here towards a meaningful career.
I feel as though I have put my life on hold. As though I am just making do while I am here, so that I can really start living when I get back to Canada. When I was only going to be here for one year, that seemed reasonable. During my second year it has felt like I am avoiding something. Now that I am contemplating a third year it seems downright unhealthy and lazy of me.
The problem is that you come here so impermanantly that it is really hard to develop any sort of mentality that promotes stability and dedication to living here acording to the standards that you would hold yourself to in your home country. I have been PUTTING UP WITH or DEALING WITHOUT so many things in my life here because I am only here 'for a little while'. No one wants to invest in a life and STUFF that they will just have to get rid of when they move on, but after a while it starts to feel as though you are avoiding living to a full, healthy and happy extent. You can only live out of carboard boxes and furniture found in the trash for so long before you start to question why you aren't investing more into your life RIGHT NOW?
And so, I find myself here, now, at this difficult turn in the road. Do I stay or do I go? How do I commit to a lifestyle that I know is impermanat? It's like trying hard not to become too attached to a new friend that is only here on exchange because you know how hard it's going to be to say goodbye. And then, there is a philosophy to live fully in the moment rather than the future. Easy enough said but somewhat difficult to do. All I know for sure is that:'with your mind you make the world'. And the mind can be a massive A**HOLE!
I am hoping that as soon as I can see the road a bit more clearly that I will be able to act accordingly. In the mean time, I guess I should stop worrying about the practicallity and rationality of spending money on stuff that I may very soon be getting rid of and just do what I have to to sattisfy my ideas of a happy successful life.
First thing is first, buy that stupid bike you have been debating about for the past 4 months.
