Wishing there were such a thing as a 'Motivation Pill'

A strange thing happens when suddenly, after working for so long and so hard towards a specific objective, you finally acheive that objective, leaving the hithertoo drive and purpose of your vision empty and sputtering for a new goal and direction. I spent so much time, effort and energy focusing on finding a new job and then making sure that everything was completed and ready to begin this new job that now that the worry stress and craziness of moving and beginning a new job are over, I'm left feeling limp and deflated.

This is not a completely new experience for me. It happened when I finished my undergrad and again when I finished my MA and made my way to Seoul. However, I wasn't expecting this feeling of deflated energy and drive to hit me quite so hard once I had finally acheived most of the big goals that I had set for myself in the past years. Why on earth should I be feeling down when I have done what I set out to do? It is that question which I've been trying to come to grips with in the past weeks.




With the flavor of summer still very much in the air in Seoul, the new campus has been full of sunshine, the excitement and laughter of new students and the quiet confidence and order that all established institutions give off. I have felt safe and stable in my new environment. In many ways, returning to an academic environment is what I have known for most of my adult life and there's no real doubt as to why I feel so comfortable here. And yet, there is a nagging feeling that has been eating away at me for the past couple of weeks that I'm somehow missing something vital. That something that I can't quite figure is still somehow vitally missing from my life and my work environment here in Korea.

When I walk through the campus, I do feel a sense of pride that I have worked hard to get to where I am today, but also at a certain sacrifice to my own wellbeing in some ways. I've spent most of my 20s driving towards this goal, and yet, I can't seem to find a real sense of sattisfaction in what I have acheived or where I am in my life today. Not only is it supreamly annoying, it's also slightly worrying to me.

A couple words come to me when I think of why that could possibly be:

-Overwhelmed

-Insecure

-Lonely

-Drained

Which lead me to reason that that is why I probably feel so deflated and unmotivated these days. Perhaps I just put too much energy into the getting here part that now that I am here I have nothing left to put towards enjoying the rewards? I guess time will tell. I remember how every semester when I would go home after finals I would suddenly get sick, listless and really down.
Perhaps it was the safety of being home in an environment that I trusted that allowed me to let down my guard and let all the stress that I'd been bottling up pour out of me? All that I can hope is that in time, my motivation, energy and enthusiasm return to me so that I am better able to be the person, the teacher and the artist that I would like to be.

I would also like to be a better, more energetic, enthusiastic and happy friend and maybe someday girlfriend. Friends and intimates are hard to come by in Seoul, and as it goes, I recently lost several good friends to the the transience that comes along with living this lifestyle. It's up to me therefore, to get out, make new friends and do as much as I possibly can to create my own happiness by putting myself into positive environments where I'll have the possibility to do things and meet people that I like.

Sounds pretty straight forward right?...... It's just that question of motivation. And so, I state again how much I wish there were such a thing as a Motivation Pill.....

Yet till there is I will have to find a way to push through and find new goals to motivate me.