Back in the Great White North!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BFPt001PYU

Well, I finally did it.  I handed in my notice, packed up all of my belongings and said so long to my life in Korea.  The decision was really based on two things; wanting to work in my field and realizing that the buck was up for teachers in Korea. 
First, was the fact that I was accepted into the 'Museum and Gallery Studies' program at Georgian College in Barrie, Ontario.  This was my out.  I could use my pension to pay for my tuition and live rent free with my parents (who also live in Barrie) for the duration of the program.  The hope in doing the certification being to make contacts and hopefully find a related job in Canada.
When faced with the prospect of leaving full-time employment and moving back in with your parents after more than 10 years of having been away, it's always preferable to have a plan.  My plan was to go back to school, live a relatively comfortable life and find work as an art educator, or curator, or education director or conservationist etc... in Canada. 
I've put this plan into motion by accepting my offer of admission, quitting my job in Korea and moving back in with my parents in a house just up the street from the one I grew up in.  The fact that I will be out of the house, working part-time and hopefully have an extensive social network at school is the only way that I could have faced such a prospect.  While it's not ideal and will probably be a whole lot of hard work, I thought that it was preferable to staying in a job and country that I didn't love in a job that has been earmarked to be cut anyway. 

 

Which brings me to the second reason that I chose to leave Korean now after 5 years; the buck is up.  The move towards reducing the number of foreign teachers coming to Korea has been happening for several years.  In fact, the teaching bubble burst the very year that I first came to Korea.  They unceremoniously cut 1/4 of the teachers who had already been hired during the last week of summer only days before we were due to fly out in 2009 and thankfully I wasn't one of them (having already given up my lease, my job and sold all my belongings). 

The trend has continued every year, cutting funding, benefits and reducing the numbers of teachers in high schools and middle schools to nearly zilch.  Only rich areas and school who can afford to privately fund English teachers have remained while the unregulated private sector and Hagwons have used this to their advantage. 

I was the last major hire made by my university and each semester since, I've seen our wages frozen, our benefits and sick days retracted and the services that they give us also decreased.  All this was done while increasing our work hours (less class hours but more mandatory unpaid committees and office hours) and the percentage on student evaluations was raised by more than 10% to give us a rather steep incentive for keeping our jobs.  This environment of fear and pitting us directly against our colleagues has done nothing to raise staff morale.  Everyone is focused on keeping their job and getting ahead of that bottom 20% cut off. 

It was largely for these reasons that I was so willing to not re-sign my contract.  I haven't had a pay raise in 5 years basically.  I got really great vacations, but is a job really worth staying in because you can then go and live your life the way you want to on your vacations?  I'd rather be doing something that inspires me every day and not feel the need to escape for 1/3 of the year. 

 



So with those thoughts in mind, I said goodbye to my best friends, ate a last meal of spicy pork and drank to a fresh start.  While leaving my friends behind was probably the hardest part of leaving, it was the right choice, because I know that eventually we'll meet again.  I will get on a plane to Chicago or Ireland as well as other places and visit those who have been my family while I've lived so far away from my own.  I won't regret one moment of my time in Korea (although I wish parts of it had been easier and happier).  My experience has made me a stronger and more independent person.  It has given me more respect for immigrants and a deeper understanding of just how vast and different this planet is.  I will miss the hustle and bustle, the public transportations and the cheap fast service, but I'm in all honesty, ready to go home.
 

I have looked out of my windows and seen mountains and tall buildings for so long, that now, after returning to the flat, large, quiet landscape of Canada, it seems more like a dream than a reality.  I'll have my memories of life in the land of kimchi and k-pop forever, and although a lot of them reflect difficult life experiences, they were all worth having. 

It's pretty good to be home eh?

Why leave when staying is by far the easier choice?

My mother says that she has measured my assimilation into Korean culture by virtue of my stress and anxiety levels in relation to the culture and the environment around me.  Via our weekly Skype visits, she has seen me freak out and suffer from the obvious evils of massive culture shock progressively less and less.  She actually made an interesting comment recently along the lines of:

 

"We don't worry about you as much these days because you hardly ever complain about the culture or problems at work."

 

I suppose that I should take that as a compliment.  I unlike so many foreign teachers that come to Korea, have found a way to stick it out and move past the frustration, sorrow and anger that come with culture shock.  I have somehow managed to absorb and come to terms with what it means to be an expat living in the land of kimchi.  It's been so hard to just accept and go with the flow; to put aside all of standards and norms that you've been brought up to think of as right and acceptable.

 

You never stop noticing all of the little differences, but they do become dulled somewhat.  It all becomes normal and routine after a while and that, my friends, is the secret to longevity in a foreign country.  Stick it out until shit just doesn't seem as weird, strange and awful anymore!

 



So why, after all this pain and effort would I decide to go after having stuck it out for so long and finally found a good place mentally, physically and spiritually here?  That's a good question and it has several answers. 

First of all, I never intended to be in Korea for more than a year or two and it has nearly been FIVE whole years since I first stepped off the plane and into the harmonious chaos of this country. 

Second, while I have appreciated developing a stronger understanding of the ins and outs of the language, customs and culture of Korea, I have come to a realization that it is just not a country and culture that I will ever really gel with.  I am too outspoken, feminist and appreciative of (or sensitive to) the finer aesthetics of my surrounding environment to ever feel comfortable and appreciated as a person in Korea.  Korean culture can be meticulous and beautiful as well as friendly and generous, but my daily reality here has generally not reflected that and I am tired of being censured for the person that I am physically, mentally, politically and spiritually.

Third, hurray for me; I have finally finished paying off all of my debt-load for my undergrad and my graduate loans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That was goal primo-uno in coming and staying and now that it is done, the net has somehow been released... 

The draw of a full-time job seems like less of a draw and more of an anchor.  While I am super appreciative for having had the chance to work full time, pay off my debt and have a incredible cultural experience, it is not the job I envisaged myself doing in my 30s and I have somehow reached that invisible barrier among expats between staying and going. 

Do I stay in a comfortable, and by no-means un-important or impressive full-time job, or do I take a leap of faith and try to build up a new career for myself in the actual field in which I studied?  It is a dilemma that a lot of people my age are facing right now with such a competitive and declining market.

Fourth, I seem to have climbed the social and job market as high as I can with the visa status and language proficiency that I now hold.  There is a point when you have to either get in or get out.  If I wanted to consider immigrating to Korea or staying here long-term I would have to get in, IN A BIG WAY, and I had to remind myself that that was never my intention in coming here in the first place...

A career should not just be a paycheck.  A career should be something that you are passionate about and enjoy doing every day.  Something which celebrates and utilizes your skills and motivates you to push harder and be better.  That is what I want to strive for and unfortunately, I haven't found that drive here; although I sure have given it a mighty try.

Fifth, it seems kind of cheesy, but I want to find love and as far as I can tell or have experienced, Korea is NOT where I am going to meet the man of my dreams...  I am an outspoken, smart, curvy woman in her late 20s looking for a partner not a random shack up.... it has been challenging.  As much as I love my friends and have developed amazing friendships here, friends will not be there to kiss and cuddle when you wake up (or at least not the friends I have.... although they might be up for cuddles if I asked them nicely).  Yes, friends are incredibly important, but they can not replace a real loving relationship; at least not completely. 

In my experience, dating in Korea has been like dating in high-school.  You can have chemistry, you can date casually, but most guys just want to have fun and are not looking for commitment.... unless they came here with their wives or long-term girlfriends (like most of my good friends actually). 

The exception seems to be western men marrying Korean woman.  I know it sounds like a terrible generalization, but I can count on one hand the number of foreign women that I've know in successful relationships and marriages with Korean men here over the past 5 years and most of those men have lived abroad.  Everyone's lives are so impermanent.  Everyone comes from somewhere else.  Everyone is looking for adventure.  Most people are NOT looking for anything more than casual and I've never been good at casual.  Why settle?  It's never the right choice.  That being said, I would not say it were impossible, just improbable...

Finally, not to notch it up on the sentimental scale, but it is hard living on the other side of the planet from family.  Skype is wonderful and has gone a long way to alleviating homesickness and resolving communication issues with family and friend from back home, but it's just not the same.  I would like to be able to go home for holidays and birthdays and have a more meaningful relationship with my family while I can. 

It's kind of funny but I could live anywhere on the planet practically and still be closer to home than I am now.  While I predict that it will be tough not to have all of the benefits that a full-time job, major unban jungle and huge population offer; like public transportation, cheep food and utilities and a nightlife that never stops.... somehow the draw of fresh un-polluted air, wide open skies and backyard bonfires with family and a good micro-brew sound like a good trade off...  That and shoes that fit. 

Stay or go?  Stay or go?  It's the refrain that has been singing in my mind for some time.  Staying would be a whole lot easier, but I think that I have finally decided to take the great leap of faith and go.