My mother says that she has measured my assimilation into Korean culture by virtue of my stress and anxiety levels in relation to the culture and the environment around me. Via our weekly Skype visits, she has seen me freak out and suffer from the obvious evils of massive culture shock progressively less and less. She actually made an interesting comment recently along the lines of:
"We don't worry about you as much these days because you hardly ever complain about the culture or problems at work."
I suppose that I should take that as a compliment. I unlike so many foreign teachers that come to Korea, have found a way to stick it out and move past the frustration, sorrow and anger that come with culture shock. I have somehow managed to absorb and come to terms with what it means to be an expat living in the land of kimchi. It's been so hard to just accept and go with the flow; to put aside all of standards and norms that you've been brought up to think of as right and acceptable.
You never stop noticing all of the little differences, but they do become dulled somewhat. It all becomes normal and routine after a while and that, my friends, is the secret to longevity in a foreign country. Stick it out until shit just doesn't seem as weird, strange and awful anymore!
So why, after all this pain and effort would I decide to go after having stuck it out for so long and finally found a good place mentally, physically and spiritually here? That's a good question and it has several answers.
First of all, I never intended to be in Korea for more than a year or two and it has nearly been FIVE whole years since I first stepped off the plane and into the harmonious chaos of this country.
Second, while I have appreciated developing a stronger understanding of the ins and outs of the language, customs and culture of Korea, I have come to a realization that it is just not a country and culture that I will ever really gel with. I am too outspoken, feminist and appreciative of (or sensitive to) the finer aesthetics of my surrounding environment to ever feel comfortable and appreciated as a person in Korea. Korean culture can be meticulous and beautiful as well as friendly and generous, but my daily reality here has generally not reflected that and I am tired of being censured for the person that I am physically, mentally, politically and spiritually.
Third, hurray for me; I have finally finished paying off all of my debt-load for my undergrad and my graduate loans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was goal primo-uno in coming and staying and now that it is done, the net has somehow been released...
The draw of a full-time job seems like less of a draw and more of an anchor. While I am super appreciative for having had the chance to work full time, pay off my debt and have a incredible cultural experience, it is not the job I envisaged myself doing in my 30s and I have somehow reached that invisible barrier among expats between staying and going.
Do I stay in a comfortable, and by no-means un-important or impressive full-time job, or do I take a leap of faith and try to build up a new career for myself in the actual field in which I studied? It is a dilemma that a lot of people my age are facing right now with such a competitive and declining market.
Fourth, I seem to have climbed the social and job market as high as I can with the visa status and language proficiency that I now hold. There is a point when you have to either get in or get out. If I wanted to consider immigrating to Korea or staying here long-term I would have to get in, IN A BIG WAY, and I had to remind myself that that was never my intention in coming here in the first place...
A career should not just be a paycheck. A career should be something that you are passionate about and enjoy doing every day. Something which celebrates and utilizes your skills and motivates you to push harder and be better. That is what I want to strive for and unfortunately, I haven't found that drive here; although I sure have given it a mighty try.
Fifth, it seems kind of cheesy, but I want to find love and as far as I can tell or have experienced, Korea is NOT where I am going to meet the man of my dreams... I am an outspoken, smart, curvy woman in her late 20s looking for a partner not a random shack up.... it has been challenging. As much as I love my friends and have developed amazing friendships here, friends will not be there to kiss and cuddle when you wake up (or at least not the friends I have.... although they might be up for cuddles if I asked them nicely). Yes, friends are incredibly important, but they can not replace a real loving relationship; at least not completely.
In my experience, dating in Korea has been like dating in high-school. You can have chemistry, you can date casually, but most guys just want to have fun and are not looking for commitment.... unless they came here with their wives or long-term girlfriends (like most of my good friends actually).
The exception seems to be western men marrying Korean woman. I know it sounds like a terrible generalization, but I can count on one hand the number of foreign women that I've know in successful relationships and marriages with Korean men here over the past 5 years and most of those men have lived abroad. Everyone's lives are so impermanent. Everyone comes from somewhere else. Everyone is looking for adventure. Most people are NOT looking for anything more than casual and I've never been good at casual. Why settle? It's never the right choice. That being said, I would not say it were impossible, just improbable...
Finally, not to notch it up on the sentimental scale, but it is hard living on the other side of the planet from family. Skype is wonderful and has gone a long way to alleviating homesickness and resolving communication issues with family and friend from back home, but it's just not the same. I would like to be able to go home for holidays and birthdays and have a more meaningful relationship with my family while I can.
It's kind of funny but I could live anywhere on the planet practically and still be closer to home than I am now. While I predict that it will be tough not to have all of the benefits that a full-time job, major unban jungle and huge population offer; like public transportation, cheep food and utilities and a nightlife that never stops.... somehow the draw of fresh un-polluted air, wide open skies and backyard bonfires with family and a good micro-brew sound like a good trade off... That and shoes that fit.
Stay or go? Stay or go? It's the refrain that has been singing in my mind for some time. Staying would be a whole lot easier, but I think that I have finally decided to take the great leap of faith and go.
